A couple of weeks ago I wrote on my Facebook page about how my parenting skills were lacking that day and I need to switch my boys off for a couple of hours for a break or maybe they wanted to switch their own ears off so they didn’t hear me being cranky anymore. Then a friend replied about what a fabulous Mum I am and how I am sent the challenges that I have because I can handle them unlike most people. With the state of mind I was in that day it really made cry. And then I came to realise that I’m allowed to be exhausted and cranky as I do have a lot to deal with, some of it is out of my control and other stuff is my choice. And I realise people may think I have a blessed life, and I too think I have a blessed life as I know that there are lots of people who work harder and who’s lives are harder through no choice of their own. But my life is not always a bed of roses and sometimes it is, honestly, depressing, upsetting and exhausting. And today is one of those horrible days where I’m struggling.
I get so sick of juggling so much stuff. I’ve got one boy with ADHD who requires lots of extra attention especially teaching organisation skills and liaising with schools and coaches. My other child has a reoccuring illness that requires LOTS of medical appointments, lots of illness and days of school and three or more operations per year. Not to mention I work as a full-time youth worker working with homeless teens and help do all the accounts and taxs for my hubby’s business. I work shift work that allows me to able to spend lots of time with my kids and doesn’t involve my kids going into care very much, but any form of childcare comes with a guilt factor. I honestly am not stay at home mother material, I’ve done it and not enjoyed it.
Most of the time I’m happily living my life enjoying it and being grateful, but occassionally I get serious doubts over my life and especially my parenting skills. I want my kids to be happy well-adjusted kids, I want them to be well educated and I want them to have lots of real friendships and enjoy their lives to the fullest. But, damn it, I haven’t got a clue on how to help them achieve it. I feel all I can do is love and encourage them, teach them morales and that they are valuable beings, be involved in their schooling and sports and be the best rolemodel that I can be. And pray that I’ve done the right thing by them. I know I can’t control their choices (which is hard to admitt), I know I can’t control what happens in the world outside of our home and I know I can’t control peer pressure. But today is day where I’m feeling doubt even though I haven’t yelled or ordered, or even got slightly cranky. But in those quiet moment between tasks that self-doubt has crept in. I just feel that parenthood just feels like such a gamble, a gamble that doesn’t show if your winning or losing until it’s too late.
